Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean. Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.
-Unknown

Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
-Herman Melville

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-W.C. Fields

Sometimes by Wednesday, it’s hard to recall how you got here, and where you’re going. Sometimes it’s good to check in on reality.

Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
-Author Unknown*

Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.
-Albert Einstein

*The earliest reference we could find on the web was a 1999 broadcast of “Prairie Home Companion”

We have a quadruple bonus quote today, for reasons that will immediately be evident:

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.
- James Dean (1931-1955)

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Sic vive tamquam cras moriturus, sic stude quasi semper victurus
(Live as if you were going to die tomorrow, learn as if you were going to live forever).
- Desiderius Erasmus of Rotterdam (1466-1536)

Imitation is the sincerest flattery.
- Charles Caleb Colton

Last week’s Two Fer Tuesday was dedicated to Mahatma and Mohandas Gandhi. Here’s a onesy.

Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing something to be happy.
- Mahatma Gandhi

This Friday’s facts are brought to you by guest facter Alyce. But before we get to the facts, here’s your riddle for next week:

What do peacocks and spiders have in common?

And now, just the facts ma’am:

It’s no picnic

Ever wonder how to get rid of dinner guests who overstay their welcome? Simple. The New Zealand Wasp. Scientists in New Zealand recently witnessed that the wasp has developed a new strategy for eating its dinner without annoying competition. Its target? Ants. When the wasp’s food becomes covered in pesky ants, it simply picks them up, carries them away from the food and drops them off somewhere else releasing them from its jaws. The good news is the wasps should leave most other dinner guests alone; however, one wasp was quoted as saying they will drop off your mother in law a fair distance if you throw in dessert.

Here are some other interesting animal facts that your family may share. And by share, we mean, “have in common with”….

Fishy business: Did you know that most lipsticks contain fish scales? This may explain why kissing aunt Velma always seems like kissing a fish.

A face only mom could love: Gorillas sleep over 14 hours per day. If your loved ones sleep more than 14 hours a day claiming they need their “beauty sleep”, but still wake up looking like a gorilla, ask them if the are one.

Zactly Disease: They also might want to visit the doctor; they may have Zactly disease; this a condition in which your face looks Zactly like your derriere. Butt be warned, Anti Monkey Butt Powder may not work in this case.

Bite your tongue: The tongue of a blue whale weighs more than a full grown man. Unless by “full grown” they mean your beer-for breakfast-uncle Bob at Christmas time. In which case they may have to pick a different relative to represent this fact.

A birds eye view: Over 10,000 birds die every year from smashing into windows. Scientists have been studying the effectiveness of using pictures of your uncle Bob in the window to reduce these mini-tragedies. We’ll report next week on their findings.

So remember, even though having relatives is not always a picnic, at least you won’t have ants. As long as you invite the wasps in the video below.

It seems like a lot of drinking quotes work best when followed with “ba dump bump”….

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
-Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
-Henny Youngman

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin

Water? Never touch the stuff. Fish f** in it, you know.
-W. C. Fields.

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble.
- Helen Keller

Being the ignorant but inquisitive fellow that I am, I spent a long time intending to look up the details of the biographies of Mahatma and Mohandas Gandhi. You can imagine my amusement when I finally discovered why the one guy seemed to parrot his father’s quotes so often. So to perpetuate the confusion, I’m using both the name and the honorific here…

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
- Mohandas Gandhi

You must be the change you want to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I think it would be a good idea.
- Mohandas Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization

I always enjoy an inspiring word, but sometimes I get tired of hackneyed quips about action and dreams and belief. So this Monday, we’re turning to the words of one of the most successful doctors in history:

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
-Dr. Seuss

From the book Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

You have to give us some credit. We share these facts about money and finance with no money down.

Coins have a grooved edge because in the past dishonest traders filed down the edges to remove some of the precious metal.

The world’s smallest banknote, issued in Morocco, was the size of a postage stamp.

The first european stock exchange was established in Antwerp, Belgium, in 1531.

Inflation was so bad in Hungary in 1946 that the 1931 gold pengo was valued at 130 million trillion paper pengos.

A trillion $10 bills, if they were taped end to end, would wrap around the globe more than 380 times.

Diners Club issued the first card to only two hundred customers, and it could only be used at twenty seven restaurants in New York City.

By using your credit card, you are agreeing to the cardholder agreement. If the agreement is updated, simply using the card indicates agreement,