…then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Steven Wright has probably created more one-liners and paradox jokes than vaudeville and Stephen Hawking combined. Here are a few:

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.