The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
- Joan Rivers

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.
- Richard Lamm

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
- Dick Gregory

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
- Bernard Manning

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, “So does the guy I stole it from”.
- David Letterman

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
- Jay Leno

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish.
- Benny Hill