Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

Bessie Braddock: “Winston, you are drunk.”
Winston Churchill: “Indeed madam, and you are ugly -  but tomorrow, I shall be sober.”

Earl Wilson: “Have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
Tallulah Bankhead: “No, have you?”

Earl of Sandwich: “I am convinced, Mr. Wilkes, that you will die either of a pox or on the gallows.”
John Wilkes: “That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

Robert Benchley (to a uniformed man he distractedly assumed was the doorman):
“My good man, would you please get me a taxi?”
Uniformed Man:
“I’m not a doorman. I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.”
Robert Benchley:
“All right then, get me a battleship.”

Western Reporter: What do you think of Western civilization?”
Gandhi: “I think it would be a good idea.”

Actress Mary Anderson: “What is my best side, Mr. Hitchcock?”
Alfred Hitchcock: “My dear, you’re sitting on it.”