We don’t know about the future, but these are the funniest church signs around, pastor present:

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!
Wal-Mart isn’t the only saving place!
Can’t Sleep?  Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams
It’s hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees.
God’s last name isn’t Damn.

And a bonus joke:

A rabbi, a priest, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, a JOKE?”

Rimshot

That the birds of worry and anxiety fly over our heads, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.
- Chinese Proverb

The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.
- Ellen Glasgow

You don’t have to become something that you aren’t to become better than you are.
- Sidney Poitier

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a way that when you die the world cries and you rejoice.
- Native American Proverb

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- Unknown

To belittle is to be little.
- Unknown

Poor communication generates more heat than light.
- Unknown

Happiness depends on disposition, not position.
- Unknown

The end of labor is to gain leisure.
- Aristotle

Genius begins great works; labor alone finishes them.
- Joseph Joubert

God sells us all things at the price of labor.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice.
- Henry Ford

The Colossal Squid has the largest eyes documented in the animal kingdom, more than a foot in diameter.

The electric eel can produce an electric shock of about 650 volts, which is five times greater standard US household current.

Oysters are capable of changing their sex, sometimes doing so multiple times during their lifetime.

Most brands of lipstick contain fish scales.

Catfish have over 27,000 taste buds, compared to humans’ 9,000 or so.

40% of all fish species inhabit fresh water, yet less than .03% of the earth’s water is fresh surface water.

Pregnant goldfish are known as twits.

We shared that last one a few weeks ago, with a warning. It is NOT TRUE. Goldfish lay eggs. They technically are never pregnant. But that’s the cut-and-paste nature of modern life. Always double check the facts, there might be something fishy going on…

A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.
- Vince Lombardi

Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.
- Vince Lombardi

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?
- Vince Lombardi

If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
- Vince Lombardi

Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit.
- Vince Lombardi

Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.
- Vince Lombardi

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- Vince Lombardi

We’ve mostly focused on college football coaches and their quotes this week, but it would be a grievous omission to not mention basketball coach John Wooden’s words of wisdom. He not only said a lot of inspiring things, but if you have an interest in self improvement and success, you’ve probably already heard of his Pyramid of Success. Here are a few of his gems:

Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.
- John Wooden

If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
- John Wooden

Never mistake activity for achievement.
- John Wooden

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
- John Wooden

If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.
- John Wooden

Ability is a poor man’s wealth.
- John Wooden

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden

As we mentioned yesterday, saying clever things doesn’t necessarily equal winning. But there’s always a little magic in the words of good leaders:

I learned this about coaching: You don’t have to explain victory and you can’t explain defeat.
- Darrell Royal

Football doesn’t build character. It eliminates the weak ones.
- Darrell Royal

You’ve got to think lucky. If you fall into a mudhole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.
- Darrell Royal

If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em.
- Darrell Royal

No one has ever drowned in sweat.
- Lou Holtz

You’ll never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him.
- Lou Holtz

If you burn your neighbors house down, it doesn’t make your house look any better.
- Lou Holtz

If what you did yesterday seems big, you haven’t done anything today.
- Lou Holtz

When we think of great coaches in sports, we usually think of inspiring loudmouths who said witty things. So it’s funny that the winning-est college coach of all time – John Gagliardi – doesn’t seem to have said much of anything quotable. This may be a side effect of his No-How Coaching approach – no blocking sleds or dummies, no athletic scholarships, no weightlifting program, no whistles, no calling the coach “coach” (players call him John), and no tackling in practice. Or maybe he just figured that since he worked for St John, he had somebody watching out for him. In any case, we couldn’t find a single good quote attributed to the guy.

The second winning-est coach of all time – Eddie Robinson – also was a man of few words. And it’s interesting to note that the few quotable things he said were more based on love and positive feelings:

Leadership, like coaching, is fighting for the hearts and souls of men and getting them to believe in you.
- Eddie Robinson

Coaching is a profession of love. You can’t coach people unless you love them.
- Eddie Robinson

One of the people behind Amusing Enterprises, Hal, is something of a Michigan Football fan. Okay, that’s putting it lightly. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he’s actually on the team. I don’t care much for football myself, but if I ever want to know if Michigan won on a random Autumn Saturday, I just ask Hal how he’s doing. So Hal may be a little disappointed to learn that not only did Bo Schembechler not win as many games as Woody Hayes, he didn’t say nearly as many clever things:

Show me a gracious loser, and I’ll show you a bus boy.
- Woody Hayes

You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward.
- Woody Hayes

Paralyze resistance with persistence.
- Woody Hayes

Anything easy ain’t worth a damn!
- Woody Hayes

To hell with exciting. I’d rather be drab as hell and win.
- Woody Hayes

There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.
- Woody Hayes

Although we might give Bo extra credit for seeming a little more intelligent:

What the mind can conceive, the mind can achieve and those who stay will be champions.
- Bo Schembechler

If I make a mistake, I’m going to make a mistake aggressively and I’m going to make it quickly. I don’t believe in sleeping on a decision.
- Bo Schembechler

Plus, Woody probably doesn’t have his own wine label either.

We’ll be back with more sports quotes all week, and on Friday, we’ll answer the question: How many teams are in the Big Ten?

Most American car horns beep in the key of F.

Train horns are usually chords. The more common ones being AMaj6,A7, C# dim7, and D#m.

The pitch of a typical foghorn is equivalent to B3 on a piano (the third-lowest “B” key)

Ships over 200 meters in length a required to have horns in the range of 70–200Hz. 70Hz is equivalent to the second lowest “C” on a piano.

The loudest car horn could be heard 9.3 miles away. It was actually a WWII Navy destroyer horn modified for a minivan.