We omitted a lot of possible inclusions here; it seems like most quotes about autumn are attempts at deluding oneself into thinking it’s a really nice time of year in spite of the fact that you can suddenly see your breath and anything that hasn’t turned brown and died has pigged out and climbed into a hole to sleep it off.

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
- Albert Camus

No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds – November!
- Thomas Hood

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand.  I think, I too, have known autumn too long.
- e.e. cummings

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman

Football.
- Hal Weckler

Erma Bombeck is probably one of the most neglected humorists of the twentieth century. If she hadn’t been a mom, she probably would have been a major standup comic, and her insights on consumerism were often way ahead of similar shticks by comics like George Carlin…

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
- Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
- Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.
- Erma Bombeck

God created man, but I could do better.
- Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
- Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
- Erma Bombeck

In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
- Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck

Leadership – in both war and politics – seems to lead to a propensity for dark humor.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never encountered automatic weapons.
- General Douglas MacArthur

No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.
- George S. Patton

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- Charles De Gaulle

Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
- Winston Churchill

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
- Lazarus Long

Even if you don’t feel like actually DOING anything on Monday morning, you could at least PREPARE to do something.

It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
- Howard Ruff

The time to repair a roof is when the sun is shining.
- John F. Kennedy

Good fortune is what happens when opportunity meets with planning.
- Thomas Edison

By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail.
- Ben Franklin

In business or in football, it takes a lot of unspectacular preparation to produce spectacular results.
- Roger Staubach

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
- Winston Churchill

We’re temporarily going on strike, until we receive at least one GUESS as to the answer to last week’s question. Who do you think we are? Ask.com? We’ll be back Monday with our regularly scheduled quotes, but NO FACTS FOR YOU until we see some hands being raised out there. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Yes, this wraps up this week’s tribute to The Devil’s Dictionary, but rest assured we’ll be back with more. The next time we’re stuck for content ideas.

Genealogy, n. An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- Ambrose Bierce

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
- Ambrose Bierce

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
- Ambrose Bierce

This week is devoted to the satirical definitions from The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce. Learn more here.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Exile, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
- Ambrose Bierce

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce

Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
- Ambrose Bierce

We’re devoting this week’s quotes to definitions from The Devil’s Dictionary. Learn more here.

Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
- Ambrose Bierce

Consult, v. To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
- Ambrose Bierce

Convent, n. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

Decide, v. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
- Ambrose Bierce

Discriminate, v. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
- Ambrose Bierce

We’ve shared a few Ambrose Bierce quotes before, but this week’s quotes are entirely devoted to his work “The Devil’s Dictionary”. If you’re not familiar with this 1881 work that foreshadowed the biting wit of 20th century figures like Dorothy Parker, Will Rogers, and H. L. Mencken, take a gander at the Wikipedia entry, peruse the online version at TheDevilsDictionary.com, or buy a copy for your bookshelf.

Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce

Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
- Ambrose Bierce

Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce

Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Brain, n. apparatus with which we think we think.
- Ambrose Bierce

Usually on Friday, we serve up some interesting facts, but one of the sites that we’re developing is Quiztistic.com, which will feature facts, quizzes, puzzles, and games. One theme we’re pondering is an “Okay, Smartypants” feature, wherein we pose a question that people who think they’re intelligent should know the answer to, but probably don’t. Here’s our first example:

What is the primary reason for the difference in American vs. British pronunciation?

Good luck.