We’ll save the pompous pseudo-spiritual ones for next week.
I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
- Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.
- P. J. O’Rourke
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – halftime.
- Author Unknown
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
- Ambrose Bierce
We’ve been featuring highlights from The Devil’s Dictionary since way back in September. We’re almost done, so if you have any complaints, queue up…
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.
QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman’s name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another — usually about as many times as it can be got there.
For those of us who have to get up and go to work on Monday
We need a president who puts the Barney Smiths before the Smith Barneys.
- Barney Smith
The only effective answer to organized greed is organized labor.
- Thomas Donahue
We can either have democracy in this country or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few; but we can’t have both.
- Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis
The most important word in the language of the working class is solidarity.
- Harry Bridges
With all their faults, trade unions have done more for humanity than any other organization of men (and women) that ever existed. They have done more for decency, for honesty, for education, for the betterment of the race, for the developing of character in men (and women) than any other association.
- Clarence Darrow
Do you find yourself looking at digital clocks at 11:11 with disturbing frequency? Have you ever wondered what the deeper meaning of this is? Well go away. The information here will probably not be very interesting to you. If you want to find a bunch of cockamamie theories that validate your weird superstitions, just do a Google search for strange things about the number eleven, and you’ll find more wacky theories about 11 than you can shake a stick at. We think the FACTS about the number 11 are weird enough, so our post for 11/11/11 (which we published at 1:11am) is about the peculiar number 11.
Multiplying numbers that are all elevens always result in an eerie palindromic product:
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
11 + 1.1 = 11 x 1.1 (yawn)
Here’s a good one: “Eleven plus two” and “twelve plus one” are anagrams of each other.
Easy trick for multiplying by 11: with 2-digit numbers add the two digits and place the sum in between!
25 x 11 = 275
31 x 11 = 341
57 x 11 = 627 [of course you still have to carry]
World War 1 ended on the 11th day of the 11th month at the 11th hour.
PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases.
PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.
PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes.
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.
Ambrose Bierce seemed to have a penchant for the letter “P”, a possibility presented by the preponderance of p-words in his pessimistic publication.
PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.
PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.
PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
Our continued effort to promote the conspiracy between speech and action that cheat the understanding.
We’ve been featuring highlights from The Devil’s Dictionary, the 19th-century collection of cynical wit by Ambrose Bierce, for some time now. Directly contradicting Bierce’s definition of “enough”.
OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.
OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call “war” and “commerce.” These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
ONCE, adv. Enough.
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.
OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
In honor of the recent passing of a treasured American wit.
I clearly remember as a kid enjoying Andy Rooney’s segment on 60 Minutes. It was the only one that made sense. And as I grew older, and finally understood the more adult topics being discussed on the rest of the show, this became even more true. Rest in peace, Mr. Rooney. Your wry wit will be missed…
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
- Andy Rooney
I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
- Andy Rooney
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
- Andy Rooney
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
- Andy Rooney
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- Andy Rooney
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can’t eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as ‘progress’, doesn’t spread.
- Andy Rooney
Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
- Andy Rooney
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
- Andy Rooney
This little brainteaser was making the rounds recently. Can you find the mistake? Aside from the fact that whoever created the graphic saved it as a jpeg?
We’ll have even more challenging brainteasers when we launch our site Quiztistic.com…
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